#i feel like getting cancelled today i think

[lostbookmark]

MDNI 🔞

MAIN MASTERLIST here

FINDING A HOME MASTERLIST here

Summary: After a failed engagement, you move back home and reconnect with your friends. Maybe, just maybe you can find love with someone you never expected.

Pairing: Yoongi x F. Reader

Warnings: Explicit Sex, Swearing, Cheating (Not Yoongi), Physical Fighting, Arguments, Protected/Unprotected Sex, Toxic Past Relationship,

Genre: Enemies(?) to Lovers, Neighbors to Lovers, Small Town Romance, They own a farm, Hurt-Comfort, Slight Angst, Romance, 

A/N: Here is chapter one. The rest of the story will have regular updates once Wispered Vows is over.

You’ve been staring at the small, hairline crack in Hobi's ceiling for hours now. This has been a routine thing for you to do since you showed up at his small apartment back in your hometown a little over three weeks ago, crying with your suitcases by your feet. You probably looked pathetic. It's been years since you actually saw him in person. You only knew his address from the Christmas cards he sent you that you hid away in your dresser. You never gave him your address, so he must have gotten it from your mom. You're kind of surprised he took you in. You're happy he did. You didn’t want to stay with your mom. If you stayed with her, you would have to hear all about your failed engagement and the last-minute cancellation of your wedding that you had to eat the cost of.  Your bank account is not happy with you at the moment. 

Fuck, Changkyun.  You think to yourself.  He ruined it all with one little sentence. “I don't love you anymore.” Five words  and just like that the two of you were done. The three years you were together seem like a lie. It seemed like it never actually happened. Now, you're wallowing in your bestfriends spare bedroom and staring at a crack in the ceiling. You wonder if he knows it's there.  

“Get up,” Hobi said, barging into the room and jumping on you. Your normally peppy best friend seemed serious without his signature smile. “I'm not letting you do this anymore. I can't watch you lay in here all day feeling sorry for yourself. It’s not healthy. You can help out at the farmers market today.” 

“Farmers market?” You question him with a ‘what the hell’ look on your face. “Are you a farmer? Since when did you become a farmer?” 

“No, silly, I'm not a farmer, but I do own part of one. Come on,” he insists and pulls the covers off of you. You fight with him for a minute, trying to grab onto the blankets to pull them back over you. You wanted to wallow, why won't he leave you be. “We are short-handed today and could use a pretty face. Kookie will be there, and I know he misses you. He hasn't stopped asking about you when I told everyone you were back home.”

You grumble something unintelligible under your breath. You finally let him win as you let go of the blanket and head for the shower. You take your time letting the hot water run over your tired body as it steams up the bathroom. Your eyes close, and  you think back to those five words. I don't love you anymore. How can someone just stop loving you? Was it that easy to break away from someone and act like they were never there in the first place? How was it so easy for him to disregard your feelings? How could he not feel guilty for using your shared bed with others? You silently let the tears fall, and they mingle in with the droplets of water from the shower. 

“Hurry up,” Hobis' muffled voice called out. “We leave in 20 minutes, and you're going no matter what you look like.”

You sighed and turned off the shower. Grabbing your towel, you quickly towel dried your hair the best you could and threw it on the top of your head in a hurry. You honestly don't care what it looked like. It's not like you have to impress anyone.

Leaving the bathroom, you see that  Hobi had gone through your clothes and laid out a sundress for you. It makes you want to cry some more. You've been a bad friend since even before you left town after graduation. Ignoring all of them for what you thought was a better life. A life in the city with a new fancy apartment, fancy friends, fancy food. Yet, when it all fell apart here, he was still willing to help you. Hobi was still there. His friendship was always unwavering. You guys bickered and argued, sure, but he always stuck by you.  You couldn't say the same about yourself after you dropped him and everyone else like a hot potato. Sighing, you grab the yellow dress with pretty red and pink flowers, off the bed, and put it on. It wouldn't hurt to do something for him. It was the least you could do. 

The late August heat made the early summer mornings warm and muggy. The sun was full and bright in the blue sky, its rays heating your skin already causing you to feel sticky with sweat on your bare shoulders. There wasn't a cloud in sight to offer any shade and there was no breeze to be found. Hobi gave you a crash course of what you missed while you were gone as you headed into the farmers market in the center of town. After college, Taehyung went into the corporate world, had an epiphany of sorts, quit his well paying job and bought a farm in your hometown after visiting Jin's cafe in a spur of the moment trip. 

Tannie Farms had started out as just your standard fruit farm but has since expanded with vegetables, and now he is figuring out how to grow nuts. Something that is very much experimental at the moment. He suckered everyone to get involved by investing money that they barely had and becoming part owners. Now it's pretty successful in the few years that they have been up and running, so you guess the risk was worth it in the end. You learned that they donate food to the local schools, the food pantry at the senior center, and they sell to the grocery stores in the surrounding area. It seemed impressive. It was impressive. You felt proud by how far they have come. 

“Everyone has other jobs, though, right? How do you guys find the time to help him?” You had asked him.

“Because, we all love him. You don't give up on people you love,” he told you quietly. “Yoongi is the only one there full time. He actually runs the business and marketing end. Everyone else is just manpower and ideas.”

Min Yoongi, oh how you two always hated each other. You ran in completely different groups in middle school and high school. Him with the jocks and popular kids and you….with Jin and Hobi. You don't even think he knew your name back then, and you definitely never talked. It wasn’t until sophomore year in college that he and Hobi became almost inseparable while rooming together in the dorms. He brought along Jimin, Kook, and Tae into your little group. They were sweethearts, and you took to them instantly. Joon rounded out the group when you met him during your child development class. Yoongi got along well with everyone except you and his girlfriend Chae absolutely despised you right from the start. You always tried to stay as far away from them as you could when you were forced into group activities. It only got worse when Changkyun came along.

You met Changkyun when you both worked on the school's newspaper. You had fallen for his flirty personality and sharp jawline fast. He, unfortunately, had written a horrible article about Yoongi losing the college basketball team's Final Four game and supposedly bringing “shame” to the school's name. You, being the editor on the team, let the article go through. To be honest, you didn't even read it, and  you didn't know that it was going to cause such an uproar. You just wanted to impress Changkyun in hopes that he would like you and officially make you his girlfriend. Yoongi started to act like you didn't exist more than he normally did, and Chae openly hated you after the article was published. She threw such a fit about you and started a smear campaign against the newspaper, which ended with you getting fired. You felt like you were the number one enemy in their eyes. After that, you slowly stopped hanging out with them. You tried to fit yourself into Changkyun’s group of friends instead. They were pretty nice, but it just wasn't the same. 

“Y/N!” You look up and see Jungkook waving at you excitedly from under a large Tannie Farms sign. “You're here!” Jungkook comes around to the front of several white tables that stand under a large tent from where the sign dangles and hugs you tightly. Your eyes widened in surprise at the act of affection. You bring your hands up and tentatively pat his back in return. “Are you back for good? Joon said that you're going to work at his school. Are you going to help us every weekend?”

“Kookie, let her talk,” Hobi scolded him.

“Sorry, I just really missed you,” he whispered to you. Guilt. You feel so fucking guilty.

“I missed you too, Kook. Don't worry, there is plenty of time to catch up. Okay, show me what you want me to do,” you tell him, a fake smile plastered to your face. You link your arms together as you make your way to their spot. 

Hobi and Jungkook showed you how to stack all the produce in wooden crates that they were going to sell and how to keep them looking presentable. The more uniformed they were, the more appealing they supposedly were. They chatted away telling you all of their ideas to expand their products at their spot here and in the local stores as you stacked and fixed the wooden crates like they showed you. They told you how they wanted to start selling baked goods using the fruits and eventual nuts that they grew, but none of them could bake that well. Jin was the closest to making something edible, but it just wasn't good enough. 

“You could help with that!” Kook said excitedly. “Your  breads were always so good when you made them in school. OH! Your birthday cakes were amazing. We always looked forward to everyone's birthday because of your cakes.”

“I never got one,” a deep voice soon joined the conversation. Yoongi walked by you carrying a crate of tomatoes.  

His dark hair that you always remembered him having was now a darker blonde. He looked the same, though. He looked good. He was still handsome with an arrogant aura around him that he always had. You were actually surprised that he was carrying something. You figured business and marketing meant a cushy office, not manual labor. Someone who would never give up his weekend to help work the crowd on a hot summer's day. You thought it was more suit and tie than flannel and ripped jeans. 

“We were never friends,” you shot back at him. 

Yoongi turned and pinned you down with a glare. You swear you can feel your cheeks heat up, and you don't know if it's from anger or attraction. Your small, very, very small, almost microscopic crush from high school might still linger….maybe. 

“Okay,” Hobi says, clapping his hands, drawing your attention back to him. “Our price list is here on the sheet for your reference. Just entice people to come with that pretty face, and Kook will ring them up.” Yoongi scoffs. You quickly pick up an ear of corn to chuck it at him, but Hobi takes it away from you just as fast. “Listen, I know you two have had your differences in the past, but we are actually adults now. Just be cordial, at least.” 

“Fine,” you say, feeling ashamed that you let Yoongi get to you. 

“Okay,” Yoongi agress and shrugs nonchalantly. “I have no issues on my end.” 

“Great,” Hobi says happily with a clap of his hands. “Let's get this party started.”

You and Yoongi pretty much just stayed away from each other, and that was fine with you. He mainly just stayed in the background sitting on an empty wooden crate and typed away on his phone, avoiding having to talk to the customers as much as possible.  Occasionally, he would leave only to come back with another crate of something. It was pretty much smooth sailing until it wasn't.

The farmers market got busy pretty fast. People poured in to get their produce and sweets and peruse the crafts at the various tables. The work was pretty easy. You made small talk with customers and talked them into buying more produce than they probably needed. You saw and talked with a lot of your old teachers, neighbors, and some classmates that you haven't seen since graduating high school. You also met a lot of new people who had moved to town after you left, taking over businesses that you haven't been to in years. It was sad how the town had changed. You're sad that you missed it and you didn't get change along with it like the rest of your friends had. You're sad that you've become bitter and angry. It wasn't the town's fault or your friend's fault. That was all on you.

“Y/N dear, oh, I'm sorry to hear about what happened. Your mother told me everything,” Mrs. Kang said dramatically with her hands on her chest. She was your mothers neighbor and the number one gossiper in your little town. If something happens, she always knows about it. Did someone get divorced? Quit their job? Get arrested? She would be able to tell you everything. Your mother also has a big mouth, so you know that she does probably indeed know everything. 

“Thank you, Mrs. Kang,” you say stiffly. 

“Word of advice. If you didn't make yourself….easily….available before your wedding.  He probably wouldn't have gone looking for someone with more class,” she tells you rather loudly. She did it to embarrass you, and it worked. You could see some of the customers that were lingering by listening to the conversation as your face heated.  “He cheated, right? That's such a shame. I heard your wedding dress was absolutely stunning.”  You can feel the tears well in your eyes, and you try to quickly blink them away. You feel stupid that she was able to call you out so easily on it.  You felt stupid for reacting like this. 

“Are you going to buy anything, Mrs. Kang or just harass my employees?” Yoongi speaks up, coming to stand behind you. His arms were crossed against his chest, and a hard glare set on his face. “If you're not going to buy anything….have a good day.”  Mrs. Kang gives the two of you the sourest of looks and surries away. Great, she'll tell your mom all about this. You turn to look back at him, but he had already removed himself from the area and went back to his phone.  You hurriedly leave the front of the tables and hide around back to try and get yourself together. Too many unknown eyes were on you, and you couldn't stand it. 

“You okay,” Kook asks softly, and you nod your head. 

You sniffle and start shaking your head no instead. He hugs you, and the dam breaks. You start crying, and the tears that you keep trying to blink away won't stop. His hands are gentle as they rub your back, comforting you. You wrap your arms around him and let yourself sink into his hug.  

“She's right,” you tell him as you pull away. “He cheated on me…a lot.”  Jungkook wipes your tears with his thumbs. “I think that I always knew, and I just ignored it. It's pathetic, right? I was so desperate to try and make it work.” 

“Changkyun was always a dick,” he says. “He was always horrible to us when you weren't around. You were always too good for him, and you are better off without him. Come on, don't waste your tears on him. We need to head back out there.”

You take a deep breath and wipe at our face one final time before following him back out.  People like Mrs. Kang was always going to be miserable, and you can't let her affect you. That's what makes them thrive. You saw it in the city with your so-called fancy friends, most of whom you would find out, slept with your then fiancé and you see it in small town people like Mrs. Kang. Who has nothing better to do but make everyone as miserable as they are. You busy your hands and rearrange the bell peppers by color. Green, Red, and Yellow. Perfectly stacked and all uniformed. Hobi comes up to you and kisses your head.

“You're home now. Everything will get better,” he promises, and you smile sadly at him as he rubs your shoulders softly. As he walks away, you notice Yoongi staring at you before quickly looking away when you catch him. You can do this. You can start over and be fine….you are not alone. 

“Hey, what's the deal with Yoongi?” You ask Hobi as you two watched a movie huddled on your temporary bed.

“What do you mean?”he asks back, pausing the movie on the television. 

“Instead of enjoying Mrs. Kang calling me a whore he pretty much ran her off,” you tell him. “He hates me. I've known him since middle school, he's never said one word to me until college. He absolutely hated me there.”

“Yoongi is not the bad guy that you want him to be,” Hobi informs you. “I get what happened in school sucked but I don't think Yoongi was behind any of it.” 

“You're defending him because he's your friend, “ you accuse.

“Do you really think I would stay friends with Yoongi if he had some secret agenda against you? His girlfriend was awful to you. Changkyun was awful to him. They were the problem. Listen,I'm going to head to bed. Just think about what I said,” Hobi kisses your cheek quickly. 

Maybe Hobi was right. You honestly can't really remember Yoongi ever being the one to cause the problems between you two. Sure, he made snarky comments, but he did that to everyone. Chae was the absolute worst nightmare that you ever met. She was the one who got you fired from the paper and bragged about it to your face. It got worse after you and Changkyun officially got together. She was able to befriend your roommate  and got her to turn against you. They had locked you out of the dorm one night. You didn't have your keycard or your phone on you. You had to stay in the lounge until your R.A. made them let you back in. 

It had gone on for months and it got so daunting dealing with her that you had begged Changkyun to write a retraction. He had gotten so mad at you that you would take Yoongi’s side instead of your own boyfriend's.  He told you about how he was falling in love with you and how it hurt that you wouldn't stick by him. You were so blindsided by his confession that you let the issue go. You had made him your life after that. You slowly stopped seeing your friends to be with him. By the time you had graduated, they were almost strangers.  You had thrown away so many years over broken promises and lies. It felt like he had manipulated you.  You hated him for that. You hate him, you hate him, you hate him. 

You felt like a complete idiot because maybe Hobi was right, and Yoongi wasn't the cause of all the drama. You were going to have to come up with some way of apologizing to Yoongi. Not only to Yoongi but to everyone. You don’t expect them to forgive you either.  You just don't know how exactly you're going to do that. Like Hobi said earlier, you were home now, and everything was going to be okay.  

[poisonedspider]

Holy. Shit.

Just got notified that I reached 400 followers today. That's just crazy to me. I obviously don't know what other people's follow count is at, so maybe that isn't much of a milestone, who knows. But that seems gigantic. Especially considering how many incredibly talented Angel Dust writers there are out there, like, I'm just a little guy.

I'm not one to do a 'follow forever' thing because I don't like seeming like I'm picking favorites, but thank you to everyone that has believed in me. I'll do the smallest of shout outs, though keep in mind I love EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU so this is a toughy but like, I just wanted to give some random nods to some random people.

@hzbinsouled has been here since the very beginning, and even after meeting my ass irl, they still somehow manage to like me. @hazbinned has also been one of my ride or dies since I started this account, and without both these two, I don't think I would have expanded on Angel nearly as much as I have.

Major huge shout out to @sirserpentine who talks to me every single waking hour of every single day (well, except when we are both asleep because time difference). They're my little pen pal and I never really even considered SirDust until them but now I'm fucking hooked and their friendship means the world to me.

@widdlestwucifer hasn't been around lately because of personal reasons but this is also someone who has always been my biggest cheerleader, supported me in every way, given me a shoulder to cry on, and given me the AppleDust I always need in my life.

@mothvalentino was my first (and main) Valentino and has helped me to explore SO MUCH of a dynamic that means so much to me from a therapeutic perspective. A lot of people get cancelled for writing ValAngel, but the exploration of them and the not holding back has just been so helpful to my portrayal of Angel and his complex feelings towards one moth pimp.

@veelentino and @videokilled are also high on that list because (as much as I hate Discord with a passion of a thousand fiery seas) for awhile there our group chat was popping off every single day, 24/7, and I was able to learn a lot about my Angel through those conversations and how I portray him and those group chats are some of the HIGHLIGHTS of me being in this fandom.

And of course my babe @gamblinwildcat who has been my Husky since Day One. I hate that they don't like Tumblr and are never really on, but they'll never be replaced in my heart, and this is everything I've wanted the HuskerDust dynamic to be in my life.

To @radi0activesmile, @lettherebemonsters, @lustsang, @originemesis, @botanikos for always supporting me and making me smile and laugh and bringing me the best content on the regular.

And to everyone else~! I could ramble about ALL FOUR HUNDRED OF YOU but this Oscar speech is already far too long.

Thank you guys for supporting me. For giving me a chance. To being not just amazing writers, but amazing FRIENDS. And to all you newcomers, or people I haven't written with as much, I can't wait to create our bonds so that maybe if I reach 500 at some point I can put you on this ridiculously long list too. Every one of you provides me amazing memories. Every one of you has helped with my growth in my character dynamic as Angel. So, holy shit, thank you. This made my whole night.

[barnbridges]

tsh hot takes because i want to get cancelled apparently:

it's not that richard projects his feelings for charles onto camilla because she is a woman that skews the perspective on the twins, it is that richard, a homosexual man who hates women, admires camilla, but since he cannot truly carnally desire her, he projects her best traits onto charles. it is charles who is moreso described as an object of desire than camilla, actually.

henry is but a projection of richard's superego heterosexual man self. he doesn't as much desire henry sexually or romantically as he wants to be him, enter his flesh and never leave. the things henry has, from aesthetic to money to people who genuinely like him in spite of his obvious lying and manipulation, are the peak of richard's desires. henry saves richard because richard must make an imaginary friend that will be able and willing to. the "real" henry, the person that richard projects all of these issues into, is the person we meet at the end of the novel, the man who dates camilla and mocks charles' addiction and gardens. he is not completely undesirable to richard, but by far not as linked to him as richard would have liked to believe. the epilogue dream serves as just a reminder that the henry in the first parts of the book (prior to italy, really) has always existed just in le head, bunny's murder is when the fantasy escapes containment and henry diverges from being richard's wish fulfillment.

judy poovey is a great character, but she is by far not a communist or associated with the poor in any meaningful way. judy drives a car more expensive than francis "trust fund" abernathy's with gaudy license plates. she's not "the people" in the way of being poor, she is "the people" in a way of average person at a liberal arts college, who is there on family wealth to pass time and do drugs. same for cloke "my daddy called a lawyer" "i grew up in the corcoran house" rayburn, he is not "the people" or any sort of folk hero way, he is NOT poor in the way richard is. the twins are poorer than cloke or judy. it's a bastardization of the text to say judy is anything anywhere near a folk hero of the communists on campus.

it's a flanderization and a bastardization of the text and donna tartt's interviews to say "julian was behind it all"/"julian ""forced"" them to do it". like most adults in donna tartt's books, julian morrow is a bystander and detached. yes he is important to why the clique choose to do certain things, but i believe it takes away from the narrative and themes to say that everything has been nothing but puppetry and henry has no free will. henry is a fantasy of freedom, a nietzschean superman, his existence is drenched in having the freedom to do anything (because he's rich), think anything (he's smart) and manipulate anyone (because he's alluring), saying oh he was a manipulated meow meow breaks the fantasy into pieces and spits into it. julian is an idol, but like most gods, he only approves or disapproves, he does not get involved in their affairs.

similar to above, but it breaks the plot to say camilla is some manipulative mastermind. camilla takes care of charles for the rest of the epilogue until he forces himself out of the situation, i'm very sure she just does it because she lied about him assaulting her and she does Not at all have an abusive and codependent dynamic with him and is his primary caretaker. not at all. she is just a manipulative bitch who hates him, because ???? fghj it's very richard papen of a lot of the readers to assume that EVERYTHING camilla does is some conspiracy to undermine the men in the book for her personal gain. she's a woman who has been her brother's caretaker all of her life, and has endured his addictions and mood swings for far longer than richard has. we are shown, and told, that it IS a hard choice for her to pick henry (her safety net and her lover) over charles, who is all she has ever known from the moment she was born. she has faced abandonment and death before the plot ever began, and her reaction is not one of indifference, but one of character strength. she is not cold, but resilient in a way richard cannot comprehend a woman to be (they are all whiny airheads and hags, mind you), because she had to be, as an orphan and a caretaker. camilla in the epilogue is just as much of a resilient character as she has been before she ever stepped foot at hampden. her ability to endure and still find some grace for people like richard and francis, who have done nothing for her but betray and belittle her, are to me her defining character traits. she is a kind and loving person, who keeps herself guarded for very rational reasons. it'd be worthless that she rejected richard if he didn't ask her out of a desire to have this kind and loving person by his side and she didn't refuse because she had to take care of henry, charles and her grandmother.

the roses in henry's yard that smell like raspberries ran wild in the epilogue, becoming, you know, brambles.

[eddiestightywhities]

you know what's pretty fucked up? the lump-in-my-throat-inducing fact that eddie diaz hasn't yet been kissed stupid by the love of his life buck buckley

[outlying-hyppocrate]

well. did you fucking miss me.

[relentlessgrief]

connor if he had a say for emmrich: He meant a lot to you. He deserves a chance. I will be there with you alongside your mortal journey, and I will help look after Manfred for eternity if you wish for me to

meanwhile, me: manfred who?

[skunkes]

😑‎

[the-casbah-way]

grabs my computer screen and starts shaking it how to cure gender dysphoria HOW TO CURE GENDER DYSPHORIA

[philosophiums]

i love like. wayyyyy at the end of the day sitting down and something happens and it just Clicks why everything was not great all day

[silverselfshippingchaos]

I fucking HATE how the fandom treats m.ine. it's so bad 😭

[moe-broey]

Would I be proving my therapist (who has been voicing some concerns about my depression maybe getting worse but like I feel like it's fine) right by cancelling my appointment tomorrow cause I just don't wanna. Like all I have to report is that I'm tired and I wanna rest and I just don't really feel like it y'know

[barley-st-band]

anyone else getting a little tired of the unending horror

[jrueships]

Is oz gay like the wire?

oh Indeeeeed.... spoken in u know whose gay lil croon

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

bitches be like "wish i was doing something of worth for society/my local community" while doing three time-intensive community jobs unpaid and walking around as a living leftist/queer symbol and occasionally leaving behind leftist stickers

it's me i'm bitches

[fingertipsmp3]

Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself

[imflyingfish]

Aggh feeling super proud of myself like im getting on so well atm im learning to drive and im learching french and my art is going really well and ive been enjoying spending time with myself and ive been organising more things for my future and now it feels possible and i hit that deadline and ive been more equiped to deal with things that definetly would have given me a breakdown in march and like. This year is going to suck and im not getting everything i want done but its not going terribly either